As I was flipping through my Facebook index this morning, I came across a post about T.I and his wife Tiny being arrested for possession of an illegal substance. I suddenly became irritated and gasped in disgust…and then turned to ask my co-worker if she heard about the situation and she said, yes, I heard it too.
I really like T.I.! I am not a huge fan of rap music but there are certain rappers/hip hop artists that I will listen to repeatedly. In fact, his song “Got Your Back” with Kari Hilson is a huge favorite of mine right now for a multitude of reasons that I won’t share right now.
But T.I. and Tiny’s situation and the whole concept of Ride or Die in regard to relationships has been on my mind. I think I understand the general concept of Ride or Die—basically I am with you through it all…good and bad—you and me against the world. I get it, I really do but I wonder to what extent do we Ride or Die for someone? At what point does someone in the relationship say “Hey...I got your back but I am not going off the cliff with you”.
T.I. was recently released from jail and is, I am predicting on probation. Probation typically comes with a host of rules and regulations and if one fails to adhere to those rules and regulations—they go back to jail. My first question is why would T.I. knowingly and willingly put himself in the situation where he was arrested for possession? (He has a new album out; the movie he is in --Takers was number one last weekend.) I know people never think they will get caught…but they always seem to get caught. Second and most important is…why didn’t Tiny step up and say something—she knew his situation. She got caught too, which leads me to ask the question…does she really doesn’t have his back.
I am no relationship expert—not by any means—but what I know to be true for me is this…if I care for you, love you, want the best for you, and so on…I am really going to have your back and tell you the truth. Sometimes it is hard to do...but it is necessary!! Having someone’s back means that you can sometimes see things that they can’t see themselves and you act as a form of protection against those things that are coming against them…you either alert them of the impending situation or you try to fight it off yourself. I mean that is what I would want someone to do for me if they had my back!! Having someone’s back also means wanting the best for the person in all aspects of their lives and supporting them in their efforts to be better and do better.
I Love You—Yes!! Do I Have Your Back—Yes!! Will I Tell You The Truth…my version of it!! Yes!!! Will I Allow You To Take Me Down With You…NO, NO and NO again.!!. Up is the only way I want to go.
I don’t know if life will ever get better for individuals who repeatedly do the same negative/questionable actions over and over again—always yielding the same result. Some people call that insanity. This situation proves that it doesn’t matter how much money, fame, influence, talent or potential you have…if you don’t make a conscious decision to BE WELL in all matters of your life, then it is all for naught. I am praying for T.I., Tiny and their family.
I AM BACK!!!
Onward and Upward!!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Its Been A Long Time....
Hey Out There....I know, it has been a long time since I last blogged. I have so much to share so stay tuned...this week will be packed with some great thoughts and ideas I have had over the last few weeks. More to come.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Thanks for My Friends!!
I honestly cannot believe that June is here....it seems that the older you get the quicker time flies by. Well I must admit that I slipped into a typical Tonya moment. I haven't updated my blog since mid May and well I also have been off the path towards accomplishing my goals. Not good!! I had two great weekends at the end of May--one in West Virginia with my family and then another in Atlanta for Memorial Day Weekend. I have been having fun!! This is a great thing!! But I still haven't put my bed back together!! But I am on my way back!!
So I returned from Atlanta today. I actually went to visit one of my besties and had such a fabulous time. When I got home I actually worked hard on my little decluttering project. I have decided that June 26th is my day---the day I will have my stoop sale. All roads between now and then lead to that day. I have to get it done and off the list--there are more important plans for the summer that must go into full swing. While staying at my friend's house in Atlanta I became so enamuored by the space that she had in her townhouse...I mean she had three closets just on the first floor not to mention a garage. All I could say was--Aaahh, SPACE!! I still can't figure out why I have signed up for NYC Apartment living!
Everytime I visit another city, I never want to come back to the one that I am in. I am sure there are a variety reasons for this but there is always something novel about the thought of being in a new place. I have contemplated moving out of New York City for a long time. No really, I have been here for 12 years come July and for the last nine, I have been moving. Except I haven't gone anywhere. Same apartment, same borough, same thoughts everytime I go away about not wanting to come back. HHmmm!
A friend of mine in Maryland asked me last week if I was happy. She has known me for 12 years, heard me talk about a variety of goals and desires for my life, has seen and heard about many of those goals and dreams not coming to fruition. She could also infer from my conversation and lack of focus that I am all over the place...always doing for others and never for myself. She suggested that I spend some time just being and doing for me. I couldn't agree with her more. I love it when my friends are honest with me. We all need people in our lives who are willing to just say some things to us so that we can be the best person that we can be. Far to often, we have too many yes men and women in our lives who are more concerned about what they are getting out of the situation/relationship than that which they can offer to it. As we mature we need those people who call spades..what they are --spades.
I also had the opportunity while in Atlanta this past weekend to see Sex in the City II. It was entertaining...I laughed a lot but I hope the franchise ends here-- while they are still on top. There is no more story to tell. But as I watched the movie, I also thought about the friendship that Carrie, Miranda, Sammantha and Charlotte had. Although their characters are a bit self centered...some more than others...they are all great friends. They learned over the years to love and accept each other for the individual's that they were. They also learned the beauty in reciprocity..in give and take. It doesn't matter what the crisis is, someone is stepping in to help the other out....even if they are hiding the issue at hand from themselves. Although there were many "help a friend" scenes in the movie, I think my favorite was the exchange between Miranda and Charlotte over the challenges of motherhood. It was real, it was relevant, and it was greatly needed. Miranda saved Charlotte, in that brief moment, from herself!!
So I say today to my crew, my inner circle, to the people who never cease at encouraging and supporting and to the one's that say what needs to be said...Thank You!!
So I returned from Atlanta today. I actually went to visit one of my besties and had such a fabulous time. When I got home I actually worked hard on my little decluttering project. I have decided that June 26th is my day---the day I will have my stoop sale. All roads between now and then lead to that day. I have to get it done and off the list--there are more important plans for the summer that must go into full swing. While staying at my friend's house in Atlanta I became so enamuored by the space that she had in her townhouse...I mean she had three closets just on the first floor not to mention a garage. All I could say was--Aaahh, SPACE!! I still can't figure out why I have signed up for NYC Apartment living!
Everytime I visit another city, I never want to come back to the one that I am in. I am sure there are a variety reasons for this but there is always something novel about the thought of being in a new place. I have contemplated moving out of New York City for a long time. No really, I have been here for 12 years come July and for the last nine, I have been moving. Except I haven't gone anywhere. Same apartment, same borough, same thoughts everytime I go away about not wanting to come back. HHmmm!
A friend of mine in Maryland asked me last week if I was happy. She has known me for 12 years, heard me talk about a variety of goals and desires for my life, has seen and heard about many of those goals and dreams not coming to fruition. She could also infer from my conversation and lack of focus that I am all over the place...always doing for others and never for myself. She suggested that I spend some time just being and doing for me. I couldn't agree with her more. I love it when my friends are honest with me. We all need people in our lives who are willing to just say some things to us so that we can be the best person that we can be. Far to often, we have too many yes men and women in our lives who are more concerned about what they are getting out of the situation/relationship than that which they can offer to it. As we mature we need those people who call spades..what they are --spades.
I also had the opportunity while in Atlanta this past weekend to see Sex in the City II. It was entertaining...I laughed a lot but I hope the franchise ends here-- while they are still on top. There is no more story to tell. But as I watched the movie, I also thought about the friendship that Carrie, Miranda, Sammantha and Charlotte had. Although their characters are a bit self centered...some more than others...they are all great friends. They learned over the years to love and accept each other for the individual's that they were. They also learned the beauty in reciprocity..in give and take. It doesn't matter what the crisis is, someone is stepping in to help the other out....even if they are hiding the issue at hand from themselves. Although there were many "help a friend" scenes in the movie, I think my favorite was the exchange between Miranda and Charlotte over the challenges of motherhood. It was real, it was relevant, and it was greatly needed. Miranda saved Charlotte, in that brief moment, from herself!!
So I say today to my crew, my inner circle, to the people who never cease at encouraging and supporting and to the one's that say what needs to be said...Thank You!!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I Think I Got The First Lesson Down
In order to get this post you will have to read a previous post entitled "It's Been A Long Time Comin'...you will need to read it not because I am progressing all that greatly with my "Get My House In Order" project...I seemed to have lost steam with that one last week. But tomorrow, My Dear Scarlett is another day (that is for my friend DB...not quite the title I was expecting, but I got it in...)
So for the lesson learned...
I have never professed to be the smartest person in the world, in fact I attempt to downplay myself for a multitude of reasons but mainly because there are so many people who walk around attempting to convince others that they are smart and well...it isn't a very becoming. What I will say about myself is that from time to time, I have a great idea or two; a creative thought to share; and a bit of common and practical sense in the land of the over/under-thinking....
The daily grind continues to amuse me..or at least the people that I work with do. On more than one occasion at work this week people have repeated a thought/idea that I have shared in open group discussion as well as in one on one conversation with them as if they came up with that thought or idea on their own. In fact, in one instance, one of the individuals maintained a completely different position on how to approach a situation only to have had a private conversation with me---and poof.....my idea became their idea as if it was an original idea. I am not looking for recognition in this situation however, I am looking for a little respect.
As such, I have learned two things actually. First, I talk to much. I secretly, and passively for that matter, prescribe to this notion of being a "Quiet Warrior"...everyone doesn't need to know everything. Yet, I end up in situation after situation like the above because of my big mouth!! Second, I need to guard my knowledge, my thoughts, and my ideas a bit better....as if they have some value--because in reality, they do. I have invested a great deal of money in education, in books and in conferences that have increased my overall level of knowledge. I have invested my personal time in gaining experiences and building knowledge. So in theory, all that I have gained in knowledge and experience is my personal capital. Now the question is..how do I effectively learn how to leverage my personal capital for professional growth?
Organizational culture and behaviors are"ooohhh" so interesting and the methods that people use to gain and maintain influence in groups and on teams is quite entertaining--well maybe not. I can't change the behaviors of other people...I can only work to be the best person that I can be and learn to protect myself (and my ideas) as best I can. Not in a way that impedes progress but in a way that is beneficial to me.
Onward and upward I still aim to climb.....BTW....I still haven't put my bed back together!!
So for the lesson learned...
I have never professed to be the smartest person in the world, in fact I attempt to downplay myself for a multitude of reasons but mainly because there are so many people who walk around attempting to convince others that they are smart and well...it isn't a very becoming. What I will say about myself is that from time to time, I have a great idea or two; a creative thought to share; and a bit of common and practical sense in the land of the over/under-thinking....
The daily grind continues to amuse me..or at least the people that I work with do. On more than one occasion at work this week people have repeated a thought/idea that I have shared in open group discussion as well as in one on one conversation with them as if they came up with that thought or idea on their own. In fact, in one instance, one of the individuals maintained a completely different position on how to approach a situation only to have had a private conversation with me---and poof.....my idea became their idea as if it was an original idea. I am not looking for recognition in this situation however, I am looking for a little respect.
As such, I have learned two things actually. First, I talk to much. I secretly, and passively for that matter, prescribe to this notion of being a "Quiet Warrior"...everyone doesn't need to know everything. Yet, I end up in situation after situation like the above because of my big mouth!! Second, I need to guard my knowledge, my thoughts, and my ideas a bit better....as if they have some value--because in reality, they do. I have invested a great deal of money in education, in books and in conferences that have increased my overall level of knowledge. I have invested my personal time in gaining experiences and building knowledge. So in theory, all that I have gained in knowledge and experience is my personal capital. Now the question is..how do I effectively learn how to leverage my personal capital for professional growth?
Organizational culture and behaviors are"ooohhh" so interesting and the methods that people use to gain and maintain influence in groups and on teams is quite entertaining--well maybe not. I can't change the behaviors of other people...I can only work to be the best person that I can be and learn to protect myself (and my ideas) as best I can. Not in a way that impedes progress but in a way that is beneficial to me.
Onward and upward I still aim to climb.....BTW....I still haven't put my bed back together!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Continuing Along The Path...
It has been a few days since I posted but just wanted to let whoever is out there reading this that I am still plodding along quite nicely. I often wonder where all of this paper, that has accumulated in my apartment, comes from...it is a combination of junk mail. magazines and who knows what else. The funny part is that I made a conscious decision a few years ago not to bring paper home from meetings and other events. But yet, I throw pounds of it away on a regular basis. I am still throwing pounds of it away.
I am happy to say that I am on track to reaching my Getting My House in Order Goal....I know I can do this before the end of June. This week my mini-goal is to purge clothing and shoes and to donate them to Goodwill and/or to Dress For Success. The first items to go are the 2-3 dresses/suits that I have been toting around for years that I have been trying to lose weight to be able to wear. I don't know why I do this to myself....can you say waste of money, waste of space and well...not really motivating!! Hope to have this part of the process done by Saturday evening....then on to the kitchen!!
Strapping on my cape....Onward and Upward!!
I am happy to say that I am on track to reaching my Getting My House in Order Goal....I know I can do this before the end of June. This week my mini-goal is to purge clothing and shoes and to donate them to Goodwill and/or to Dress For Success. The first items to go are the 2-3 dresses/suits that I have been toting around for years that I have been trying to lose weight to be able to wear. I don't know why I do this to myself....can you say waste of money, waste of space and well...not really motivating!! Hope to have this part of the process done by Saturday evening....then on to the kitchen!!
Strapping on my cape....Onward and Upward!!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Its Been A Long Time Comin'
I was born by the river in a little tent; oh, and just like the river I've been running ever since." No, not really but I began to hum this song as I progressed through the cleaning process in my bedroom. I am making progress with my goal of "Getting My House In Order" I turned my bedroom upside down over the course of the last couple of days....and I actually broke my bed down this evening. This is a major accomplishment and I feel GREAT about it!! Did I mention that I didn't put the bed back together---wonder how long it will stay in its current state? It may be Sofa City for a few days!!
But, I am excited that I have gotten a bolt of energy in regard to this decluttering goal of mine since my June 30th deadline is quickly approaching and well, up until Monday morning, it was just a goal I kept repeating and thinking about. I guess the secret to my success has been doing a little bit of work each day instead of trying to tackle the massive project in one day. Being at home every night this week, so far, has also been helpful. Ah, the sound of devoting much needed time and energy to something that is beneficial to me!! So I started cleaning and decluttering on Monday morning at around 6:45 a.m., when I should have been getting ready for work, and have been gaining more and more inspiration each and every day. Could it be that I could be decluttered before June 30th? I sure hope so.
I have even started a "I am going to try to sell it bag" for my Stoop Sale in June. If it isn't broken or ripped I am really going to try to sell it.
This week has also been an interesting week at work (really the last three years have been, but who is counting). I have decided that there is some lesson I am supposed to be learning at this job and that the job is not for naught. This learning(s), I assume, will help me in the next phase of my personal journey. I have definitely ruled out my daily job functions as the learning's...but am beginning to conclude the growth is going to come in the area of people, places and things. More specifically, learning how to effectively deal with those PEOPLE, places and things and to not let the nonsense that others attempt to lay at my feet bother me!!
I tend to believe that I am of the peaceful kind...most of the time I have a cheery disposition and when I don't, I keep to myself. As I have mentioned before, I always give 150% to the work that I do and am for the most part a pretty great employee. Yet, I always find myself in a jam of some sort. Not typically one that I have created for myself but usually one where I am being dragged into some petty battle of the wills, of he said/she said or an adult game of tattle tell over the simplest of things. I fully understand that there are some people in this world that don't and/or won't like me and I am okay with this. I probably don't care for them much either!! What I am not okay with is their inability to dislike me without involving me in their nonsense-- either directly or indirectly on a consistent basis.
I once heard a preacher say...the growth process is a series of lessons similar to the grades that we go through in school beginning with kindergarten. We can't progress on our journey until we master the subject matter at hand. We all have our challenges, our personality quirks, and some of those things that make others go HHHmmmm! But as we strive to grow, we have to master those things that make us stumble, either at our own hand or at the hands of others in an effort to move on to the next level. The best thing about this whole growth and learning process is that we are being refined and prepared for something greater! But, only if we learn the lesson and are able to move on. Not only are we required to learn the lesson and move along we are also led to understand that many of the people that are around us--whether friend or foe-- aren't always interested in becoming better people and moving on to the next level. Their goal is to block us and they are content with making that their destiny.
Do you think if I click my heels three times and say "I will learn the lesson, I will learn the lesson, I will learn the lesson" that I will in fact--Learn The Lesson!! I am so ready to move on to bigger and better things in many aspects of my life. Sometimes I feel like I am standing outside of the gate to Disney World (or some other magical/fun place) looking in at all of the wonder and fun that lies within...but not actually being able to partake in the festivities. Learn the lesson, learn the lesson, learn the lesson....and then move along!!
Always praying for focus, direction and stamina for the journey. (I no longer pray for patience because it means long suffering.)
It's been a long, long time comin'; but I know.. a change gon' come. Oh, yes it will!
Onward and upward!!
But, I am excited that I have gotten a bolt of energy in regard to this decluttering goal of mine since my June 30th deadline is quickly approaching and well, up until Monday morning, it was just a goal I kept repeating and thinking about. I guess the secret to my success has been doing a little bit of work each day instead of trying to tackle the massive project in one day. Being at home every night this week, so far, has also been helpful. Ah, the sound of devoting much needed time and energy to something that is beneficial to me!! So I started cleaning and decluttering on Monday morning at around 6:45 a.m., when I should have been getting ready for work, and have been gaining more and more inspiration each and every day. Could it be that I could be decluttered before June 30th? I sure hope so.
I have even started a "I am going to try to sell it bag" for my Stoop Sale in June. If it isn't broken or ripped I am really going to try to sell it.
This week has also been an interesting week at work (really the last three years have been, but who is counting). I have decided that there is some lesson I am supposed to be learning at this job and that the job is not for naught. This learning(s), I assume, will help me in the next phase of my personal journey. I have definitely ruled out my daily job functions as the learning's...but am beginning to conclude the growth is going to come in the area of people, places and things. More specifically, learning how to effectively deal with those PEOPLE, places and things and to not let the nonsense that others attempt to lay at my feet bother me!!
I tend to believe that I am of the peaceful kind...most of the time I have a cheery disposition and when I don't, I keep to myself. As I have mentioned before, I always give 150% to the work that I do and am for the most part a pretty great employee. Yet, I always find myself in a jam of some sort. Not typically one that I have created for myself but usually one where I am being dragged into some petty battle of the wills, of he said/she said or an adult game of tattle tell over the simplest of things. I fully understand that there are some people in this world that don't and/or won't like me and I am okay with this. I probably don't care for them much either!! What I am not okay with is their inability to dislike me without involving me in their nonsense-- either directly or indirectly on a consistent basis.
I once heard a preacher say...the growth process is a series of lessons similar to the grades that we go through in school beginning with kindergarten. We can't progress on our journey until we master the subject matter at hand. We all have our challenges, our personality quirks, and some of those things that make others go HHHmmmm! But as we strive to grow, we have to master those things that make us stumble, either at our own hand or at the hands of others in an effort to move on to the next level. The best thing about this whole growth and learning process is that we are being refined and prepared for something greater! But, only if we learn the lesson and are able to move on. Not only are we required to learn the lesson and move along we are also led to understand that many of the people that are around us--whether friend or foe-- aren't always interested in becoming better people and moving on to the next level. Their goal is to block us and they are content with making that their destiny.
Do you think if I click my heels three times and say "I will learn the lesson, I will learn the lesson, I will learn the lesson" that I will in fact--Learn The Lesson!! I am so ready to move on to bigger and better things in many aspects of my life. Sometimes I feel like I am standing outside of the gate to Disney World (or some other magical/fun place) looking in at all of the wonder and fun that lies within...but not actually being able to partake in the festivities. Learn the lesson, learn the lesson, learn the lesson....and then move along!!
Always praying for focus, direction and stamina for the journey. (I no longer pray for patience because it means long suffering.)
It's been a long, long time comin'; but I know.. a change gon' come. Oh, yes it will!
Onward and upward!!
Friday, April 30, 2010
A Mirror Has Two Faces
I must say that this week has been very busy. I have been out and about every evening this week socially which is good because that means that there is some potential benefit for me....this is a good thing. So I actually went to my Weight Watchers "weigh-in" on Wednesday evening and well it wasn't great news....not that I have been doing anything consistently to deserve great news but onward and upward. I have more changes to make.
On Thursday evening, I went to an event that I was very excited about and equally impressed with. A classmate from graduate school (and two of her friends) started a non profit called Velo-City. Thursday night was their Launch Party/Fundraiser. The event was at a great lower east side lounge. They had a great turnout to support not only the launch event but the organization itself. I am so excited about the work that will be done to support Lower East Side youth through Velo City. Of course, I was inclined to say..How can I help?! I meant that sincerely...I want the organization to work and for their efforts to not be in vain.
As I left the event and walked to the train to go home I reflected on what it takes to make a successful organization. I have, in my past, invested a great amount of my time, my talent and my financial resources to work collectively with a group of people to develop a ministry that focused on the development and engagement of a rising generation of leaders of my peers. The organization had a great concept, we had a mission, there was a perceived need, we had human capital but we still could not make the organization work. There were a few successful events but stabilization never became a reality. I often wonder, why do some organizations work and some do not? But after Thursday's launch event for Velo-City, I have been inspired to re-think the ministry..perhaps there is another way!!
I had another major reflection on Thursday evening as a result of my attendance at Velo-City's launch/fundraising event.
I ran into several classmates from graduate school...it was a great reunion. I also saw, while at the event, a classmate that was also a member of the leadership team of a student group that I was the president of while in school. When I saw her I said hello and smiled; she looked at me with total contempt. We had a bad experience at one point in our last year of school regarding the management of the student group. I can honestly say that I do not remember the details of the encounter at all but by the look on her face when she saw me at the event Thursday evening, she still remembers the encounter like it was yesterday.
I have always strived to be self-aware in my life. As I navigate through this adult journey I am finding more and more that many of the experiences that I go through eventually steer me in a direction of dual awareness--seeing and experiencing from my own personal view and then seeing myself through others. I will put it another way...there are many types of mirrors. Hand mirrors and standard bathroom mirrors are typically one sided and give you one view. But there are mirrors that are a bit more sophisticated (and more expensive for that matter) and typically found at cosmetic counters, facial studios and other establishments that give you a dual view. These mirrors with dual views give you the typical reflection that you see of yourself in a mirror but also allow you to see a magnified view of yourself that seems a bit blurry and uncomfortable. But, to a trained (or aware) eye, the magnified view allows you to see different aspects of the skin that a regular mirror cannot.
I probably became aware of this correlation more or less by accident; but I can't let this moment of certainty pass me by. In my life it seems that I have a heightened awareness of my ability to see myself through other people--a magnified view of other people's actions, other people's successes and missteps, other people's feelings and reactions. I believe that in this heightened state of awareness is where we really begin to grow as individuals. Or better stated, in this heightened state of awareness is where I have begun to grow as an individual. So how does this correlate to the reflection that I had on Thursday evening:
I am glad you asked.
As I mentioned before, in the situation with the still angry classmate, I can't remember the details of the source of her anger with me. I would probably have to flip through emails or have a direct conversation with her to gain a better understanding. Perhaps I should be the bigger person and reach out to her to talk about it instead of being dismissive. But the greater learning for me is this...
How many times have I done the same thing that she is doing but to other people?
I can tell you that it has been quite often. I can hold a grudge....most women do this very well. I can remember what is significant to me...the good and the bad--most women do this very well too. I can shut down and be angry with people for years at a time...and they never, ever know the reason why. Not good and not healthy!! I can only imagine the number of potentially great relationships with other people that are being blocked by silent grudge holding. Who really wins in these situations--because I can almost guarantee that the person that the grudge is being held against is clueless about the details of the issue at hand.
On this journey as I reflect about past encounters with people, places, and things and as I continue to explore the life that is ahead I hope that I can be better at communicating my feelings/issues with others and then just move on. My male counterparts do this very well. They don't let small issues get in the way of their relationships with others. I am thankful about my ability to be able to see myself in others. I find that many of the things that are seemingly irritating behaviors and actions that others possess are some of the behaviors and actions that I also possess that are equally irritating to others. Always striving to be better and to do better!!
Onward and upward!!
On Thursday evening, I went to an event that I was very excited about and equally impressed with. A classmate from graduate school (and two of her friends) started a non profit called Velo-City. Thursday night was their Launch Party/Fundraiser. The event was at a great lower east side lounge. They had a great turnout to support not only the launch event but the organization itself. I am so excited about the work that will be done to support Lower East Side youth through Velo City. Of course, I was inclined to say..How can I help?! I meant that sincerely...I want the organization to work and for their efforts to not be in vain.
As I left the event and walked to the train to go home I reflected on what it takes to make a successful organization. I have, in my past, invested a great amount of my time, my talent and my financial resources to work collectively with a group of people to develop a ministry that focused on the development and engagement of a rising generation of leaders of my peers. The organization had a great concept, we had a mission, there was a perceived need, we had human capital but we still could not make the organization work. There were a few successful events but stabilization never became a reality. I often wonder, why do some organizations work and some do not? But after Thursday's launch event for Velo-City, I have been inspired to re-think the ministry..perhaps there is another way!!
I had another major reflection on Thursday evening as a result of my attendance at Velo-City's launch/fundraising event.
I ran into several classmates from graduate school...it was a great reunion. I also saw, while at the event, a classmate that was also a member of the leadership team of a student group that I was the president of while in school. When I saw her I said hello and smiled; she looked at me with total contempt. We had a bad experience at one point in our last year of school regarding the management of the student group. I can honestly say that I do not remember the details of the encounter at all but by the look on her face when she saw me at the event Thursday evening, she still remembers the encounter like it was yesterday.
I have always strived to be self-aware in my life. As I navigate through this adult journey I am finding more and more that many of the experiences that I go through eventually steer me in a direction of dual awareness--seeing and experiencing from my own personal view and then seeing myself through others. I will put it another way...there are many types of mirrors. Hand mirrors and standard bathroom mirrors are typically one sided and give you one view. But there are mirrors that are a bit more sophisticated (and more expensive for that matter) and typically found at cosmetic counters, facial studios and other establishments that give you a dual view. These mirrors with dual views give you the typical reflection that you see of yourself in a mirror but also allow you to see a magnified view of yourself that seems a bit blurry and uncomfortable. But, to a trained (or aware) eye, the magnified view allows you to see different aspects of the skin that a regular mirror cannot.
I probably became aware of this correlation more or less by accident; but I can't let this moment of certainty pass me by. In my life it seems that I have a heightened awareness of my ability to see myself through other people--a magnified view of other people's actions, other people's successes and missteps, other people's feelings and reactions. I believe that in this heightened state of awareness is where we really begin to grow as individuals. Or better stated, in this heightened state of awareness is where I have begun to grow as an individual. So how does this correlate to the reflection that I had on Thursday evening:
I am glad you asked.
As I mentioned before, in the situation with the still angry classmate, I can't remember the details of the source of her anger with me. I would probably have to flip through emails or have a direct conversation with her to gain a better understanding. Perhaps I should be the bigger person and reach out to her to talk about it instead of being dismissive. But the greater learning for me is this...
How many times have I done the same thing that she is doing but to other people?
I can tell you that it has been quite often. I can hold a grudge....most women do this very well. I can remember what is significant to me...the good and the bad--most women do this very well too. I can shut down and be angry with people for years at a time...and they never, ever know the reason why. Not good and not healthy!! I can only imagine the number of potentially great relationships with other people that are being blocked by silent grudge holding. Who really wins in these situations--because I can almost guarantee that the person that the grudge is being held against is clueless about the details of the issue at hand.
On this journey as I reflect about past encounters with people, places, and things and as I continue to explore the life that is ahead I hope that I can be better at communicating my feelings/issues with others and then just move on. My male counterparts do this very well. They don't let small issues get in the way of their relationships with others. I am thankful about my ability to be able to see myself in others. I find that many of the things that are seemingly irritating behaviors and actions that others possess are some of the behaviors and actions that I also possess that are equally irritating to others. Always striving to be better and to do better!!
Onward and upward!!
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